Kinda True Jiu-Jitsu News: Two Guys' Collision While Both Pulling Guard Recreates Big Bang

Physicists around the world today reacted with a mixture of surprise and elation upon learning that the first sighting of the elusive Higgs Boson was witnessed not at the underground Tevatron particle accelerator but at a local Brazilian jiu-jitsu tournament in Cranston, Rhode Island. Brazilian jiu-jitsu blue belts Emilio Villanueva and Mickey “Monkey” Carson pulled guard on each other at precisely the same moment in a high speed, mid-air collision similar to the one that researchers have attempted to create for decades in hopes of revealing secrets about the fundamental mechanics of the universe. According to researcher Aleksei Konstantov, “We have spent billions of government research funding trying to recreate conditions like this, so the fact that it can be done by two guys in pajamas is indeed a surprise.” Since the incident there has been no sign of Villanueva and Carson, who vanished and are believed to now forever reside in an extra dimension, never to be promoted to purple.

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