Kinda True Jiu-Jitsu News: Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Black Belt Robot Participated in 2009 BJJ Pan-Ams

Officials from the United States’ Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency revealed today that a competitor in the male black belt divisions of the 2009 Brazilian jiu-jitsu Pan-Ams tournament was not a human but in fact a grappling robot with infallible jiu-jitsu technique and code-named Submissionator-5000. In computer simulations performed during the droid’s development, the robot successfully defeated computer versions of Roger Gracie, Marcelo Garcia, and Rubens “Cobrinha” Charles, suggesting to its military creators that the robot was ready for the highest levels of jiu-jitsu competition. When reached for comment, Dr. Melvin Sotirios lamented, “Due to a bug in the robot’s software, the grappling robot attempted to execute a submission that was ironically its own only Achilles heel. Despite our expectations for a gold medal for the Submissionator-5000, what we learned was that ‘checking the oil’ of one’s opponent will indeed result in disqualification.” Unconfirmed reports suggest that the Submissionator-5000 is working out the kinks in its programming in jiu-jitsu academies around the country.

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