Kinda True Jiu-Jitsu News: The BJJ Police Nab the Wrong Man

The BJJ Police, a loosely organized internet-based group devoted to maintaining the purity of Brazilian jiu-jitsu and known for aggressively investigating suspicious claims of BJJ achievement, admitted this week that a case of mistaken identity was behind a recent BJJ Police effort. The incident caused no small amount of frustration to their suspect, Chip MacDougal, whose appearance in an online photo wearing a karate uniform years ago triggered the investigation. “Several phone calls, many romoshops, and one internet challenge later, come to find out we were barking up the wrong tree. He’s clean,” said a BJJ Police investigator who goes by the screenname OMGWTFBJJ. Citing an ongoing threat to jiu-jitsu however, the BJJ Police remind the public to report any suspicious black belts to their nearest Brazilian jiu-jitsu internet forum.

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Kinda True Jiu-Jitsu News: Self-Help Group for Jiu-Jitsu Addicts Turns Into Open Mat

An experimental program to cure grapplers of their Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu addiction was going well until eight minutes into the first meeting when the conversation topic turned to purple belt Sandra Warden’s inability to think about anything other than her problems finishing a certain collar choke. As the participants eagerly began to troubleshoot Warden’s issue, the Brazilian Jiu-jitsu Anonymous meeting slid from psychologist Chad Trotter’s control and suddenly degraded into a full fledged open mat session. According to the therapist, “Sandra explained her problem about correct hand placement when choking from the mount and the next thing I know I have four pairs of people grappling in front of me.” With group therapy no longer a viable treatment for jiu-jitsu addiction, experts are now calling for the return of more controversial therapies like electroshock and the prefrontal lobotomy.

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Kinda True Jiu-Jitsu News: First All Nude BJJ School Opens In San Diego

At a press conference held today in the San Diego neighborhood of Chula Vista, Rodney “Rod” Andrews announced the grand opening of Rod’s Purity Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, the first known academy where no clothes will be worn while training Brazilian jiu-jitsu. “Brazilian jiu-jitsu was originally practiced in the gi, and what happened? People then went to no-gi. We take things to their logical next step of rolling with no clothes whatsoever,” said Andrews. “Humans are born naked and we procreate naked, so it only makes sense to defend ourselves naked.” Standing in front of a banner that read, “No Gi? No Board Shorts? No Problem!”, Andrews then stepped out from behind the press conference podium, removed all his clothes and presented himself squarely in front of the audience before asking for volunteers to disrobe and participate in a nude jiu-jitsu demonstration. No word yet on how belt rankings will be handled.

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Kinda True Jiu-Jitsu News: Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Protects Bachelor from Second Date

Norman Hayes, a local man who has taken Brazilian jiu-jitsu classes for just six months, used his knowledge of the deadly martial art on Wednesday to nullify any possibility of a second encounter with his attractive and once-interested date. Their first meeting, arranged by way of an online dating site, was marked by a one-sided, non-stop barrage of jiu-jitsu conversation that rendered Hayes’ date completely helpless. A defeated Jennifer Barton remarked, “Let this be a lesson to me: never agree to meet anyone whose screen name on a dating site is ‘Tap-U-or-Snap-U'”. For his part Hayes is eager to follow up by email but cannot decide whether to send a link to videos of jiu-jitsu on YouTube or to invite his date to his next jiu-jitsu class.

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Kinda True Jiu-Jitsu News: Two Guys' Collision While Both Pulling Guard Recreates Big Bang

Physicists around the world today reacted with a mixture of surprise and elation upon learning that the first sighting of the elusive Higgs Boson was witnessed not at the underground Tevatron particle accelerator but at a local Brazilian jiu-jitsu tournament in Cranston, Rhode Island. Brazilian jiu-jitsu blue belts Emilio Villanueva and Mickey “Monkey” Carson pulled guard on each other at precisely the same moment in a high speed, mid-air collision similar to the one that researchers have attempted to create for decades in hopes of revealing secrets about the fundamental mechanics of the universe. According to researcher Aleksei Konstantov, “We have spent billions of government research funding trying to recreate conditions like this, so the fact that it can be done by two guys in pajamas is indeed a surprise.” Since the incident there has been no sign of Villanueva and Carson, who vanished and are believed to now forever reside in an extra dimension, never to be promoted to purple.

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Kinda True Jiu-Jitsu News: Man Takes Advantage of His Honeymoon to Train a Lot of Jiu-Jitsu

The finishing touches of soon-to-be newlywed Brett Drummond’s honeymoon in Hawaii are falling in to place nicely, according to the Brazilian jiu-jitsu blue belt. Drummond has arranged to attend multiple classes and even a private with the island’s elite BJJ instructors during the couple’s first vacation under matrimony. As his fiancee quietly packs the luggage with multiple gis with a resignation normally reserved for couples who have been together for decades, the self-described “jiu-jitsu freak” reports, “Sharon is just going to love Maui. I know I can’t wait.” No news yet on whether Drummond was ever able to book that beachfront sunset luau his fiancee has dreamed of all her life.

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Kinda True Jiu-Jitsu News: Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Purple Belt Does Not Inform Girlfriend of Ringworm Infection

Yousef “Joe” Wahid, a purple belt in Brazilian jiu-jitsu from San Francisco, has decided to not mention the suspicious circular rash on the back of his calf to his longtime girlfriend, with whom he shares an apartment. The two inch diameter skin infection was first noticed approximately a week ago after a no-gi jiu-jitsu seminar and has generated occasional mild curiosity and significant denial in Wahid. According to the grappler, “I suppose it could be something she should know about. I’ll give it another few days and see what happens, you know?” Wahid, who plans to put his newfound takedown skills and fungal infection to use in the upcoming local grappling tournament this weekend, then received a big hug from his smiling and unknowing girlfriend.

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Kinda True Jiu-Jitsu News: White Belt Could Have Tapped That Guy If He Had Used More Strength

According to Brazilian jiu-jitsu novice Chad Terenti, Terenti would surely have submitted his fellow white belt opponent during his introductory BJJ class on Tuesday if he had just put more strength into his attack. Not tapping his opponent with the eagerly and sloppily-applied kimura was a major disappointment to the new BJJ student, who had repeatedly fantasized in great detail about submitting someone with the move after seeing the kimura used in a UFC mixed martial arts fight. When reached for comment, Terenti was doing dumbbell curls at the local gym and stated, “I guess it’s just a thing of being stronger than the other guy… or maybe bigger.” Taking proactive steps to ensure success in Brazilian jiu-jitsu, Terenti has already purchased Mega Mass Gainer 2000 Plus creatine supplement.

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Kinda True Jiu-Jitsu News: Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu No Use Against Somali Pirates

A dangerous cargo ship hijacking in the Gulf of Aden by Somali pirates was a complete success today despite a crew member’s attempt to use Brazilian jiu-jitsu to thwart the attack. Gerd Rudolf, a second mate on the captured German vessel and a blue belt in jiu-jitsu, learned that jiu-jitsu is not effective in preventing maritime seizures by African pirates with nothing to lose. Speaking from a rusty iron floor in a locked, dimly lit room inside the bowels of the ship, a badly bruised Rudolf offered, “I can tell you from personal experience that you should not attempt to use X-guard against nervous men holding automatic weapons. And the flying triangle? Forget it.” For their part, the pirates have now found Rudolf’s copy of Saulo Ribeiro‘s Jiu-Jitsu University in his cabin and are excited to begin training should they survive negotiations with German authorities.

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Kinda True Jiu-Jitsu News: Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Black Belt Robot Participated in 2009 BJJ Pan-Ams

Officials from the United States’ Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency revealed today that a competitor in the male black belt divisions of the 2009 Brazilian jiu-jitsu Pan-Ams tournament was not a human but in fact a grappling robot with infallible jiu-jitsu technique and code-named Submissionator-5000. In computer simulations performed during the droid’s development, the robot successfully defeated computer versions of Roger Gracie, Marcelo Garcia, and Rubens “Cobrinha” Charles, suggesting to its military creators that the robot was ready for the highest levels of jiu-jitsu competition. When reached for comment, Dr. Melvin Sotirios lamented, “Due to a bug in the robot’s software, the grappling robot attempted to execute a submission that was ironically its own only Achilles heel. Despite our expectations for a gold medal for the Submissionator-5000, what we learned was that ‘checking the oil’ of one’s opponent will indeed result in disqualification.” Unconfirmed reports suggest that the Submissionator-5000 is working out the kinks in its programming in jiu-jitsu academies around the country.

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